I am NOT a Victim!

How my relationship demonstrated I was and what I’m doing to recover

You’re such a victim.

Triggered? Teeth or fists clenched? Tightening in your stomach? Immediately want to scream, “NO, I’m not!” That’s what I felt the first time someone said it to me. My reaction is probably not a surprise.

Being called or considered a victim probably goes against most of our self identities. In a society that values hustle and getting things done, most would consider them fighting words.

Isn’t a victim someone who was harmed or suffered from something horrible like war, natural disaster or a crime? Don’t they let life happen to them, without doing anything about it? They aren’t doers. Aren’t they someone who attracts all negativity and bad luck? Aren’t they weak, spineless and hopeless?

How could someone who’s known for getting stuff done be a victim? A child from a single-parent household who put herself through university, was successful in her chosen career and climbed out of poverty? Someone who survived and thrives despite of mental, emotional and sexual abuse? How could that person be a victim?

It went against the core of who I believed I was and my image of myself. My reaction was visceral and violent. Maybe there was something to it?

The Victimhood Mirror

That first time, I rolled my eyes at him, thinking “f*!@ you, you’re just trying to hurt me.”

Then came a serious fight. One where where I found myself completely paralyzed. The one that no matter what I said or how I said it, created a rageful reaction of denial, judgement, blame and personal belittling hurled at me again and again. Even statements about my feelings were met with denial, rejection and how I had hurt him and had ignored his feelings. The harder I tried, the more I feared the repercussions. By the end of the fight, I was on the floor, curled in a ball crying.

I felt absolutely powerless and hopeless, unable to utter a single word and wished it would just be over.

That entrenched a destructive and demoralizing pattern in our relationship. Time and time again, no matter what the conversation my feelings were never acknowledged. “That’s not true” he would say. “you’re not even considering my feelings, it’s your behavior that’s disrespectful and hurtful”. Always the same pattern, your emotions aren’t valid, they aren’t even real. It’s not me that is hurting you, it’s you that’s hurting me.

Year after year, it was the same. My emotions were denied, minimized or dismissed, no matter how I expressed myself or the amount of empathy I tried to show. In our fights, slowly he would shift the blame to me. It was my actions that resulted in the fight. It was my actions that hurt him. It was me who was always in the wrong. Nothing he did or how he made me feel was acknowledged.

My feelings, perceptions, experiences were disregarded and I questioned my own observations and feelings.

But why? Why hadn’t I done more? Said more? Stood up for myself and yelled and screamed? I hated myself for the woman I had become. I no longer knew who I was, what I felt or had faith in myself that what I believed I was capable was true.

The consistency in having my emotions denied, the questioning of my reality and the shifting of blame that made me feel unvalued, unworthy and powerless to change to the dynamic or the relationship. I internalized this. I believed that I deserved it, my emotions weren’t important, I was in the wrong and this complete erosion of my self-esteem and self-worth made me think that I didn’t deserve better.

Then the most painful realization. I was emotionally isolated and had created a dependency on a relationship where my self-worth and sanity had been destroyed. I had become powerless to take action, to change or improve the situation. There were no other options. I deserved this. Of course I had to stay.

I was a victim.

The Road to Recovery

I finally found the strength to take my power back and gathered the courage to leave. Taking control over my life was the first step to healing.

In those early days, I would tell my friends and therapist, “He did this to me. Didn’t he treated me horribly? Isn’t he awful?” That was my victimhood mindset speaking.

It was through therapy that I have since learned, it didn’t happen to me. I was an active participant in the relationship. I played my part in the dynamic we had built. Despite thinking I was doing things differently and using different words or approaches, I was still reinforcing the dynamic. This acknowledgement was key, it made me question my relationship to everything and was the start of shedding my victimhood mentality.

I am learning and taking ownership and accountability for my role in all of my relationships. With myself, other people and creatures, with my emotions, thoughts, experiences, dreams and goals and even with inanimate objects.

I am doing what I can to learn about trauma, emotions and behaviors that helped me understand and acknowledge where I was, why I stayed and some of the sources of victimhood mentality and other preconditions that allowed it to grow. This awareness helped improve my self-reflection abilities and I became more conscious of my feelings and why they got triggered in certain situations.

Better yet, I’m identifying and healing core wounds and trauma so the trigger(s) is not there or not as strong. I’m learning to understand and manage my emotions.

This awareness and understanding is making me a better human. I am more empathetic, understanding of others’ emotions, able to feel how they feel and talk to them with compassion and understanding. But just because I can understand and relate to where others’ are coming from, or can see that are speaking from fear, doesn’t mean that I have to take on their emotions. This is the delicate balance between vulnerability, compassion and boundaries. If you want/need connection, you need to be vulnerable and compassionate, talking about feelings with others. Yet I found, that vulnerability can also get you sucked into losing your personal power, so I have learned I need to ensure you have strong boundaries with myself and others when building these connections.

Applying that compassion to myself and understanding that I deserved better? That is still hard. It takes daily practices of self-love and self-compassion to come back from a place where you have been devalued and dismissed for years. For me, it’s been about relearning who I am and what makes me happy then building those things into everyday. After months of this, I am finding that I have no tolerance for those who don’t respect me. I’m also finding that people who dismiss or devalue my thoughts and emotions are showing up less. Or at least I’m noticing it less.

There’s still a ways to go, but I can see the progress and the impacts it’s already having, that is what I appreciate.

This learning, healing, self-compassion, and vulnerability has led me back to the start, reclaiming my personal power and taking control over my life. If I had not experienced that traumatic relationship, I may not have learned how little I valued myself or how my trauma led me to a place where victim mentality took over. If I had not hit my personal bottom, I wouldn’t have learned how to build myself worth and agency and take control of my life. Painful as the journey was, I am grateful for the lessons because it has made me stronger and I no longer a victim.

I am empowered to create the life, the relationships, the emotional well-being that I want. It’s only me who can do that.

It’s a challenging journey, the layers of victimhood mentality that are deep, linked to trauma and arise in situations and in relationship to things where I least expect it. Yet, I continue to be self-reflective, increase awareness of my patterns, reframe and challenge my negative/core beliefs, deepen my self-compassion and find ways to reclaim my personal power and take control over life. This is how I am recovering.

Originally published on Medium, July 29, 2024