Compassion Begins Where Self -Judgement Ends
One of the ideas that stood out most for me while reflecting on compassion was the realization that the opposite of compassion is often self-judgement - or perhaps something even deeper: self-adandonment.
Judgement is simply one of the ways we leave ourselves when we need ourselves the most.
For a long time, I thought compassion meant softness, forgiveness, understanding, or empathy. Those are certainly parts of it But over time, I’ve come to believe that compassion is something more fundamental.
Compassion is the willingness to remain on your own side - be your own best friend - when you are struggling.
It’s choosing not to turn away from yourself in moments of uncertainty, confusion, failure, or pain. It’s staying present with yourself when every instinct wants to escape, fix, judge, or explain.
Compassion doesn’t require giving up your needs, surrendering boundaries, or accepting harmful behaviour from yourself or others. Nor does it mean excusing actions, avoiding accountability, or abandoning yourself for the sake of peace. If anything, true compassion requires the opposite.
I’ve come to see compassion as love without self-abandonment - the ability to extend care and love while remaining connected to your own truth, dignity, and worth.
For most of my life, compassion was something I directed outward.
I could understand why other people behaved the way they did. I could see their wounds, their fears, and their struggles. I could offer patience, empathy, understanding, and love. Those were the qualities I associated with compassion.
What I didn’t realize was how quickly I could withdraw those same qualities from myself and how ruthless I could be with myself
I saw this most clearly during a conversation with a friend recently.
I was trying to explain an emotion I was experiencing. At the time, I thought the feeling was fear. As I tried to describe it, I couldn’t quite find the words. The feeling was there, but I couldn’t name it. I couldn’t make sense of it or explain it in a way that felt accurate.
What shocked me wasn’t the confusion itself. It was what happened next.
Within seconds, I turned against myself.
Why can’t you explain this? Why don’t you have the answer? Why can’t you figure this out? What’s wrong with you?
A simple moment of uncertainty quickly became self-judgment, and self-judgment rapidly spiraled into shame.
If I couldn’t identify what I was feeling, maybe I wasn’t emotionally aware enough? Maybe I wasn’t competent enough — something that I value in myself. By now, I should know better - I should have the words, I should have the tools to explain this
It was remarkable to watch how quickly I left the original emotion behind.
The emotion was no longer the problem. I was.
Or at least, that was the story I started telling.
As I sat with it longer, something unexpected happened.
Eventually, I exhausted myself. There was nothing left to analyze, criticize, or figure out. My friend simply looked at me and said, “Whoa…” and then gave me space.
That pause interrupted the spiral. Curiosity quietly returned.
For the first time, I was able to look beneath the story instead of remaining trapped inside it.
What I found genuinely surprised me.
The emotion wasn’t fear. It was joy and empowerment!
The realization felt almost absurd.
I had spent so much energy spiraling, criticizing myself, questioning and shaming myself over not being able to identify or label an emotion that was actually beautiful.
The thing I had been trying to explain wasn’t pain — It was expansion.
In that moment, I saw how self-judgment had robbed me of the very experience I was trying to understand.
Not only had it stolen my peace, it had disconnected me from what was actually happening and missing out on one of the best feelings in life!
I had judged myself so harshly that I had nearly talked myself out of joy.
I had turned myself into a victim of my own story and, in doing so, talked myself out of my own empowerment.
That experience changed something for me.
It showed me that self-compassion is less about being kind to myself and more about refusing to abandon myself. It’s choosing curiosity over criticism. It‘s staying present and vulnerable long enough to discover what is true rather than collapsing into a story about what must be wrong with us.
Compassion toward others has started to look different as well.
I no longer see it as fixing people, saving people, or excusing harmful behaviour. Compassion is not about carrying someone else’s burden at the expense of your own well-being.
Instead, compassion is recognizing the humanity and love in another person while remaining connected to your own.
It is love with boundaries. Care without self-erasure. Connection without self-abandonment.
For me, compassion is no longer a grand gesture or a performative display of empathy.
It has become a practice of small choices, and every day presents an opportunity for small acts of love.
Sometimes that act is directed towards myself and sometimes it’s another person. Sometimes it looks like patience, honesty or authenticity. And sometimes it even looks like holding a boundary.
But mostly it simply means not abandoning myself when I don’t have (all) the answers.
Ultimately, I’ve come to believe that compassion is the decision to remain with ourselves, when every instinct tells us to walk away and get lost in our stories.
It is choosing love over judgment. Curiosity over criticism. Connection over self-abandonment.
Perhaps that is what compassion really is — not a feeling, but a quiet decision?
A decision to stay — with our experience, our humanity and ourselves.
Especially on the days when we are most tempted to walk away.
Learning to stay on your own side?
If you’ve spent years criticizing yourself, questioning your emotions, or abandoning your own needs in order to care for others, you’re not alone.
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